The Harsh Reality of Being Alone on Mother’s Day After Divorce

Being a mother can be a challenge at the best of times, but especially if you find yourself alone when Mother’s Day rolls around. On an occasion designed to promote  motherhood, you would expect that a mum could put her feet up and get pampered by her partner and children. However, the reality is often very different. The family structure has changed over the years, and new familial dynamics can bring with them complications. 

We take a look at the history of Mother’s Day and how people relate to it in 2024.

A Short History of Mother’s Day... and Why It’s More Important that You May Think?

Mothering Sunday in a Nutshell

These days it seems that every single day is an awareness day for something or other. From World Book Day to Fruitcake Toss Day, people seem more and more keen to celebrate the important (and not so serious) issues. However, unlike a lot of national celebration days, which are fairly modern as traditions go, Mother’s Day has a long history. And it remains an important calendar date.

Mother’s Day dates back to the 1500s with a custom called Mothering Sunday. Mothering Sunday fell on the fourth Sunday of Lent, which is three Sundays before Easter. The term “mothering” didn’t actually refer to mothers as such; more it referred to a parish church. The “mother church” was the place where a person would have had their most important days – christenings, marriages, meetings and funerals. Visiting a mother church on Mothering Sunday was called “going a-mothering" and even household servants were granted a day of leave to visit their home parishes.

Where Mother’s Day in the UK meets Mothering Sunday is in a sweet practice of the children who were going a-mothering. Although the day fell during Lent, the fasting would be paused for this one day. Mothers would be gifted flowers, which their children would pick on the way to church. They would also often receive Simnel cake, also known as mothering buns. It was a gesture of affection and appreciation and led to the current day tradition of gifting flowers and chocolates.

As the custom continued and church became less of a focal point for many, it began to take on a different shape. Then came WWII and the Americans brought with them their own tradition of Mother’s Day, which was integrated with Mothering Sunday. The day became the celebration of mothers and a way to give thanks for everything that mums do. 

Feeling Alone on Mother’s Day

For the most part, people still celebrate Mother’s Day in the recent traditional way, no matter the age of the child or parent.

The pace of life in the modern world is much faster than it was in the 16th century. Priorities and belief systems have changed drastically since the inception of Mothering Sunday. The increased commercialisation of the day has perhaps led to increased expectations. So when a partner doesn’t consider it worth celebrating, it can lead to mums feeling very alone on Mother’s Day.

Surely Mother’s Day isn’t Serious Enough to Cause a Family Rift

Not being given the recognition they deserve on Mother’s Day could be a big red flag in a relationship. Like a forgotten birthday, a one-off moment of forgetfulness can be forgiven. On the other hand, if a mum is already feeling neglected, an unacknowledged Mother’s Day can be a final straw for some relationships.

More and more women are leaving their partners, partly as a consequence of the introduction of no-fault divorce. Quite often, the reasons for these breakups are along the same vein. Women are shouldering the burden of housework, childcare, cooking, shopping and making sure everyone is fed in the physical sense. But they are also doing the majority (or all) of the emotional labour in the family. Identifying what housework needs to be done and delegating the work. Remembering key dates like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. Making decisions on activities during the school holidays and arranging meetups with friends and family. These are not small jobs, and yet women appear to carry more of the mental load in a heterosexual relationship. Mothers are usually also the first point of call when a child is ill at school, regardless of the employment status of either parent. It’s the expectation of many people that women are the caregivers.

Some Reasons for Divorce in the Modern Day

In theory, Mother’s Day is the one day of the year where mothers should be able to forget about all the chores they’re burdened with. Except that, since the female party in a heterosexual relationship is generally the one planning for events like this, in some cases the men in their lives don’t even consider that they should be doing anything. Mother’s Day becomes a continuation of the chore-filled life of a mum, with a dash of disappointment thrown in for good measure.

You could argue that mothers are putting too much emphasis on yet another national celebration day. But it goes much deeper than that. Not arranging anything for Mother’s Day can really highlight the glaring inequity in a relationship. And once that realisation hits, it’s very difficult to tamp it down and forget about it.
There’s also the issue of what happens after Mother’s Day. If the children bring you breakfast in bed, who will do the washing up? Well, usually the woman the day after. If she unwraps a present, who bins the rubbish? If she takes a day off the housework, when will it get done?

It might not be that Mother’s Day was forgotten; simply that it can increase a mum’s workload overall. Which again can spotlight the inequity in a household. What’s the point of having a day of pampering if it makes the following week twice as hard?

Women Are More Likely to Leave a Partner

Did you know that women are more likely to ask for a divorce than men in a heterosexual relationship? We’ve pulled together some stats for 2024 about divorce.

• 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife
• The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 8 years
• 73% of those seeking divorce in 2023 cited lack of commitment as the reason
• Of women who are divorced, only 40% have any intention of remarrying
• 70% of men said that they would like to remarry after divorce
• 44% of marriages end due to inequality in the marriage
• 34% of children living with a divorced mother have minimal contact with their father

On being asked why she would ask for a divorce when she had two children to care for, Olivia* said: 

“I realised that I’d changed and he hadn’t. I had become a mother, a carer, the responsible one. While he had continued to live exactly as he had before, drinking with his mates and spending every weekend watching football in the pub. I have two children, but I was a mother to three. And the third one was supposed to be my support network. Now I have two children and an ex who still causes some problems, but life has been a lot easier since we separated.”

It’s a common story these days. Looking back at the traditional family set-up, it was customary for a father to provide for his family and a mother to care for the house and children, whilst relying on her husband for money. That family set-up has now changed, with most women working outside the family home, responsible for their own financial situations and owning their own property. However, the mindset that women are the primary caregivers for children, a husband and house still labours on. Not splitting household chores and childcare fairly can have a knock-on effect on every aspect of a marriage, causing resentment and a lack of trust and intimacy. It’s no surprise that 44% of marriages end due to inequality in the marriage.

*Name changed for anonymity

Mother’s Day After Divorce

Divorced and separated parents, and blended families shape the composition of family structure in 2024. So, how does Mother’s Day look after divorce? It’s a hard question to answer, especially if the ex-husband is the one who has the children for the day. 

For mothers who like to celebrate Mother’s Day, finding yourself without your children can be tough. Even if the decision to end the relationship with your ex-spouse was for the best, being alone on Mother’s Day after divorce poses its own challenges for mothers. And it may take you by surprise if you haven’t planned to keep busy on the day. 

Ways to Stay Positive when You Find Yourself Alone on Mother’s Day

1. Celebrate Mother’s Day another day. We are no longer confined to a single day off to go a-mothering. Pick a day when you have the children with you and plan to do something fun together. That way you all have something exciting to look forward to.
2. Spend time with other mums who don’t have their children around them on Mother’s Day. Understanding that this is something that happens to other people too can be reassuring. And can give you a different perspective on the situation.
3. Do some self-care. Prepare in advance for a full day of restorative relaxation. Plan in all your favourite meals and activities, so the whole day is a treat.
4. Get out of the house and stay out. Book yourself into a hotel room, so you’re not surrounded by your children's belongings. Order a nice dinner, get yourself comfy and wake up naturally without having to think about what other people need from you.
5. Plan a video call. Being without their mum on Mother’s Day can be equally as challenging for the children as it is for mums. Especially, if they’ve been making Mother’s Day cards and gifts at school in the leadup. Get some time pencilled in for a catch-up call so the kids can see your face.
6. Take yourself off to the cinema. Watch that 18-rated film you’ve been dying to see. Have a glass of wine. Stay out as late as you like. 
7. Harness your frustration. We all know exercise is great for releasing endorphins. But even if the thought of hitting the gym leaves you feeling cold, think about it as a great way to vent your frustration. Whether it’s pounding the pavement, hiking a mountain or smashing a punching bag, exercising can be a healthy outlet for those negative thoughts.

Does the Thought of Mother’s Day Fill You with Dread?

If Mother’s Day has been consistently overlooked by your partner, it can become a real bone of contention. This is especially true if it’s a repeated pattern of behaviour throughout the year. It’s not the missing Mother's Day itself that’s major - it’s when it’s added to a whole list of relationship issues.  Feeling insignificant in a relationship can be exhausting and upsetting. If you’re finding yourself wondering if your marriage can stay the course, check out our Divorce Questionnaire. We have advice for you, no matter what stage you’re at, including ways to reconnect with your other half.

Click here to complete the questionnaire and get your free downloadable guide

We wish all the mothers out there a fantastic Mother’s Day. However, if you feel that you’re at the end of your tether with your marriage, we’re also here if you want to speak to us. We can offer advice on how to proceed with a divorce that’s fair for the whole family.

Speak to a specialist in our family team for a chat to see how you can navigate the complexities of splitting up a family unit. Contact us on 0113 320 5000, or email @email.